Title Unknown

I want to cry.

I want to burst into big sobs with painful breathe that makes that gasping sound that needs no words to be explained. I want to let my eye leak out water on to my face in a hopeless attempt to come back to me instead of creating pointless steams that seem like they will never stop.

But they do stop. Everything stops in the end. The end of the song were it can stop with a bang and a defining silence that comes from the one musical piece whom doesn’t have the heart to say goodbye. The book with the last page of the last chapter, were you the end is near and you are unreasonable afraid beyond a doubt of letters put into words that you know will transform you to be a different person. But it does in the end, it never had a choice.

At the end of the stream of tears, the heartbreaking silence of a song, the deep breath after the body shaking sob. The words “The End” comes to everything in life.
There it is. The relieve. The moment when you wipe away the salty ocean you made, When the joy of understanding something beyond words sink into your soul. The air you finally swallow is the greatest thing you have ever tasted.

In life you have moments like these. When the pain fads away and everything doesn’t look the same as when the tears blurred your vision. My stay here in Thailand has let me see things from so many different points of view. Most days I wonder what point of view am I seeing this world. I am seeing it as a foreigner in Thailand? An Thai student? An American in a exotic country? The only white student at my school who gets stared at every single day? The girl in Thailand who is always trying to keep up? How do I see the world? I ask these questions because I don’t know the answer.

Today I am almost at the 3 month mark with my third host family in Thailand. Close friends and family know the reason for the change in better details than what little ones I will give you. In short, I didn’t know I had to change myself. I thought  I could just change the little things about myself. Like do the dishes, keep room clean, study more Thai, mainly try harder. I can’t believe I never realized I needed to change myself into something so much more than that. I still struggle even now, when the days are turning to minutes left with finally a place I feel at home.
I think about coming home in the best and worse ways. Being an exchange student is such deeper challenge than they will ever tell you with your program. I am actually happy they didn’t tell me. If I knew what it would be like I think I would of been to afraid to even go to the interview.

From the bottom of my heart I do not want to go back to the USA. I love how I struggle and learn and grow far from what could of been possible at home. Everyday I learn something that could never be taught in a classroom. How to act like a person. I would love to see that option in my high when I go back next fall. Here I go to school and learn how to talk to my friends, how to eat my bowl of Thai noodles properly without looking like a 3 year old. Finally those moments of achievements of eating a half of spoon of chill pepper flakes in my food and the biggest smile from my Thai mom when help her in the kitchen. I have discovered the unknown part of learning one we are never taught about. We teach ourselves without knowing possibly our whole lives.

I fear my home country. What will I do and act like. If I see the world I have always known as home as a Thai person I wouldn’t be able to connect with it. But I can not act like the last few months have done and meant nothing to me. I have forced myself to change into something different. Days I wonder if it better or worse. If what country would I be more welcomed in.

I tell you these things not for emotions to be over dramatized but to share with you my thoughts. Many people never let people know what they are truly thinking until a negative outlet is available. In my daily life here everyone is so considerate of each other the american in me that would make my life easier in Thailand if it went away wonders how things are done. I love having to work so hard to find out and understand something I have never considered my entire life but when I see it, it is the most obvious thing I couldn’t believe I have never did.

Tonight I watched a movie that made me cry. It is called the “Book Thief”. I imagine it could be very popular in the US right now but I do  not know. I watched it realizing I was going to cry like a baby within the first 2 minutes. It was good for people to cry even if I freak out my sister siting at the desk 5 feet away while I am trying not to sob. I watched the movie so I could write this blog post. I needed to feel in touch with myself to share with you what many people will never tell you.
I will leave with what has been said I do feel like if I add more I will take away the power of words if I end up making a mistake with my amusing English level now. Let it be known I have not ever been happier here in Thailand than with this family and I am doing amazing.

For those of you back home do not worry so much I am splendid here and don’t react badly to the truths of exchange. The things that have happened to me has given me the greatest knowledge I have never known before. I couldn’t be happy here tonight writing this if I didn’t experience lessons I do not regret.  I will write again on my birthday. That should keep at least some of you guessing.
Love,
Mary

Title Unknown

I want to cry. 

I want to burst into big sobs with painful breathe that makes that gasping sound that needs no words to be explained. I want to let my eye leak out water on to my face in a hopeless attempt to come back to me instead of creating pointless steams that seem like they will never stop.

But they do stop. Everything stops in the end. The end of the song were it can stop with a bang and a defining silence that comes from the one musical piece whom doesn’t have the heart to say goodbye. The book with the last page of the last chapter, were you the end is near and you are unreasonable afraid beyond a doubt of letters put into words that you know will transform you to be a different person. But it does in the end, it never had a choice. 

At the end of the stream of tears, the heartbreaking silence of a song, the deep breath after the body shaking sob. The words “The End” comes to everything in life.
There it is. The relieve. The moment when you wipe away the salty ocean you made, When the joy of understanding something beyond words sink into your soul. The air you finally swallow is the greatest thing you have ever tasted. 

In life you have moments like these. When the pain fads away and everything doesn’t look the same as when the tears blurred your vision. My stay here in Thailand has let me see things from so many different points of view. Most days I wonder what point of view am I seeing this world. I am seeing it as a foreigner in Thailand? An Thai student? An American in a exotic country? The only white student at my school who gets stared at every single day? The girl in Thailand who is always trying to keep up? How do I see the world? I ask these questions because I don’t know the answer.

Today I am almost at the 3 month mark with my third host family in Thailand. Close friends and family know the reason for the change in better details than what little ones I will give you. In short, I didn’t know I had to change myself. I thought  I could just change the little things about myself. Like do the dishes, keep room clean, study more Thai, mainly try harder. I can’t believe I never realized I needed to change myself into something so much more than that. I still struggle even now, when the days are turning to minutes left with finally a place I feel at home. 
I think about coming home in the best and worse ways. Being an exchange student is such deeper challenge than they will ever tell you with your program. I am actually happy they didn’t tell me. If I knew what it would be like I think I would of been to afraid to even go to the interview.

From the bottom of my heart I do not want to go back to the USA. I love how I struggle and learn and grow far from what could of been possible at home. Everyday I learn something that could never be taught in a classroom. How to act like a person. I would love to see that option in my high when I go back next fall. Here I go to school and learn how to talk to my friends, how to eat my bowl of Thai noodles properly without looking like a 3 year old. Finally those moments of achievements of eating a half of spoon of chill pepper flakes in my food and the biggest smile from my Thai mom when help her in the kitchen. I have discovered the unknown part of learning one we are never taught about. We teach ourselves without knowing possibly our whole lives. 

I fear my home country. What will I do and act like. If I see the world I have always known as home as a Thai person I wouldn’t be able to connect with it. But I can not act like the last few months have done and meant nothing to me. I have forced myself to change into something different. Days I wonder if it better or worse. If what country would I be more welcomed in. 

I tell you these things not for emotions to be over dramatized but to share with you my thoughts. Many people never let people know what they are truly thinking until a negative outlet is available. In my daily life here everyone is so considerate of each other the american in me that would make my life easier in Thailand if it went away wonders how things are done. I love having to work so hard to find out and understand something I have never considered my entire life but when I see it, it is the most obvious thing I couldn’t believe I have never did. 

Tonight I watched a movie that made me cry. It is called the “Book Thief”. I imagine it could be very popular in the US right now but I do  not know. I watched it realizing I was going to cry like a baby within the first 2 minutes. It was good for people to cry even if I freak out my sister siting at the desk 5 feet away while I am trying not to sob. I watched the movie so I could write this blog post. I needed to feel in touch with myself to share with you what many people will never tell you. 
I will leave with what has been said I do feel like if I add more I will take away the power of words if I end up making a mistake with my amusing English level now. Let it be known I have not ever been happier here in Thailand than with this family and I am doing amazing. For those of you back home do not worry so much I am splendid here and don’t react badly to the truths of exchange. The things that have happened to me has given me the greatest knowledge I have never known before. I couldn’t be happy here tonight writing this if I didn’t experience lessons I do not regret.  I will write again on my birthday. That should keep at least some of you guessing.
Love, 
Mary